As psychologists, we have studied more than 40,000 couples about to begin couples therapy. We’ve also been happily married to each other for 35 years, so we know a thing or two about successful relationships. In one lab study, for example, we were able to predict with 94% accuracy whether a marriage would last — after observing couples for just 15 minutes. One of the biggest determinants was how often a couple “turned” toward their partner instead of “away.”
The No. 1 Relationship Hack: “Turning To”
When a couple turns to each other, they make and respond to what we call “connection offers.” Offers can range from small things like trying to get your attention by calling your name to big things like asking for deeper needs to be met. The happiest couples are smart enough to notice when their partner is making an offer and drop what they’re doing if necessary to engage. Here’s an example: Your partner, scrolling through his phone, remarks, “Oh, that’s an interesting article.” (This is an affiliate offer.) You can answer in one of three ways: Zoom Icon Arrows pointing out The act of turning in direction builds affection and a sense of teamwork, helping a relationship endure through conflict and external distractions. Illustration: Ash Lamb for CNBC Make It The act of turning in direction builds affection and a sense of teamwork, which helps strengthen the foundation of a lasting relationship. Of course, it is impossible to always turn to your partner. But in our lab study, couples who stayed together for at least six years turned to each other 86 percent of the time. Those who divorced did so only 33% of the time.
How to practice turning to your relationship
If you feel like the extroversion has faded from your relationship — don’t worry. Like turning a large ship, there can be a delay before the course correction you made actually starts to show. Spinning the wheel a little, and then a little more, will pay off. Here are three ways to do this:
1. Do a 10-minute check-in.
Pick a time to check in with your partner when you can listen and not rush anywhere. It can be in the morning, with coffee before work, or in the evening after you put the kids to bed. Ask them this simple question: “Do you need anything from me today?” This allows your partner to reflect on their needs and makes it clear that you want to be there for them. It also gives them hope that if they state what they need, you will try to respond positively. Make a real effort to meet your partner’s needs, whether it’s “I need a break from the kids” or “I’d love to have lunch with you.”
2. Collect the pennies.
Just as you would pick up a coin or dollar bill if you saw it on the street, think of every possible moment of connection or engagement as something precious, even if it seems small or fleeting. The pennies add up over time! Zoom Icon Arrows pointing out Just as you would pick up a coin or dollar bill if you saw it on the street, think of every possible moment of connection or engagement as something of value. Illustration: Ash Lamb for CNBC Make It Watch out for these invitations to join:
Visual contact A smile A sigh An immediate request for your help or attention Saying “good morning” or “good night” Asking for a favor Reading something out loud to you: “Hey, listen to this…” Pointing something out: “Look at this!” Calling your name from another room He looks sad or down They physically carry something heavy by themselves He looks disappointed
3. Don’t give up just yet.
Your emotional availability will not always align with your partner’s emotional availability. And that’s okay. Here’s how to handle it:
When your partner makes an offer but you can’t join – Don’t ignore the request. Just explain, briefly, why you can’t be available: “I’d love to hear about it, but I have to [X] right now. Can we talk about it after I finish my meeting?” When you make an offer and they don’t respond – If they miss a few of your offers, just keep trying. But if it’s a pattern, point it out: “I don’t want to be judgmental, but I’ve reached out to you. What’s going on with you right now that’s preventing you from responding?” (They may be busy, stressed, or overwhelmed.) When an offer is made with negativity – your partner’s offer can sometimes sound like they’re trying to pick a fight (eg, “You wouldn’t mind making dinner tonight for once, would you?”). Ignore the negativity and respond to the deeper, hidden offer: “I understand you’re frustrated and tired. I’d be happy to make dinner and give you a break.”
These practices will help if you’re dating and wondering what’s next, or if you’ve been married for 50 years. All you need is a willingness to try. Drs. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman are the co-founders of The Gottman Institute and Love Lab. Married for more than 35 years, the two psychologists are world-renowned for their work on relationship stability and divorce prediction. They are also co-authors of “The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy” and “10 Principles for Doing Effective Couples Therapy.” Follow them on Instagram and Twitter. Ash Lamb is an illustrator and designer based in Barcelona, Spain. He spends his time deconstructing and illustrating ideas for creative entrepreneurs. He also teaches people from all over the world how to create stunning graphics at visualgrowth.com. Follow Ash on Twitter and Instagram. Dont miss: Want to earn more and work less? Register for the free CNBC Make It: Your Money virtual event on December 13 at 12 p.m. ET to learn from money gurus like Kevin O’Leary how you can increase your profitability.
