Somewhere away from the scene of his final humiliation. Dominik Raab looked worried and pushed him. A parliamentary private secretary tapped him on the shoulder. To remind him that this was the time to stand up and deliver a response from the dispatch box. As Rish! slowly regained consciousness, a Labor MP shouted: “Bring back the lettuce.” He had a point. You might have made more sense than the lettuce that managed to drive Liz Truss out of the man chosen to replace her. Labor knew it. Most tellingly, many Tory backbenchers knew it too. You could see the desperation on their faces. Only a few dedicated worshipers had bothered to offer a feeble cheer when Sunak had entered the hall. More the memory of recognition than the recognition itself. But this was worse – much worse – than even the most pessimistic had feared. The whole point of choosing a Goldman Sachs technocrat as prime minister was so he could aim for a basic level of competence. He could give the appearance that he knew what he was doing. But Reese! he could not even pursue it. I couldn’t handle the basics. There was almost no element of verisimilitude about his leadership. Like Boris Johnson and Librium Liz before him, who just lurch from one self-inflicted disaster to the next. It’s what happens when you struggle through the talent pool and end up in a puddle. He had chosen a cupboard for cupboards. Of course he had. Because who would have guessed that Gavin Williamson would crash and burn. After all, it wasn’t like he’d been fired twice before. The idiot who thought The Thick of It was a style guide. Then there was Suella Braverman. Another unnecessary accident waiting to happen. But it wasn’t just the big things where Rish! they failed. He couldn’t even learn the basics of PMQs. Surely that wasn’t too much to ask? Apparently, it was. PMQs might not be such a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it’s time for the Tory faithful to feel good about themselves for half an hour a week. To feel like they are still in the game. That they are not existentially unnecessary. Genetically replaced. Most new prime ministers get a free pass for their first PMQs. Rish! it’s been three now and it actually gets worse each time. The more you see of him, the less there is of him. The Incredible Disappearing Man. MPs push Rishi Sunak to speak after he seems lost in notes during PMQs – video Independent Neil Coyle opened the meeting by asking whether Sunak would ensure that none of the Tories who had received fixed penalty notices during the Covid lockdowns – always a touchy subject for the not-so-law-abiding Prime Minister – would be rewarded on the multiple lists waiver prices currently doing the rounds. Who knows? Rish! he might even be compiling his own list this afternoon. Things are moving fast in today’s Tory multiverse. Sunak could not give that commitment. There’s no point in setting a precedent that could come back to bite him when the time comes to give him a peerage. Instead, he feigned anger. No one has worked harder to protect the country during the pandemic than the Tory government. Well… let’s think about it. This would be the Convict who seemed to throw parties a week for his staff. And Matt Hancock. The health minister who banned other people from meeting. Who insisted epidemiologist Neil Ferguson visiting his girlfriend was a matter for the police. Who was then forced to resign after it was revealed that he was having an affair with one of his colleagues. The image of CCTV is etched in all our memories forever. The former health minister who dumped his family in a heartbeat to make out with his lover. And now he’s pocketing £400,000 for eating kangaroo anus on I’m a Celebrity. This level of care from a loving and compassionate Tory government. Keir Starmer joined Gav’s latest resignation. Williamson is probably already sitting on the phone waiting to be reappointed to the cabinet. How did Sunak imagine the person on the receiving end of the “rip your neck” bullying when the Prime Minister had greeted Sunak’s departure with “great sadness”? Gav was just “a cartoon bully with a pet spider” who had been turned on by a weak boss. Surely the prime minister was aware of Gav’s management style. After all, everyone else was. “Uh… Hm…” Rhys squealed!, dancing nervously from foot to foot. He certainly hadn’t heard anything about anything, he insisted. It doesn’t even sound like he managed to convince himself. Williamson’s behavior had come out of the blue. No one could have expected someone with Gav’s spotless record to turn out to be a bully. But by the time he learned of the allegations, he had asked Gav to resign. Except he hadn’t. She had begged him to stay. Even going so far as to dream up various non-jobs to do as a minister without portfolio. Rish! hastily tried to change the subject. Yeahbutnobutyeahbutno. At least the British people trusted the Tories to manage the economy. Laughter broke out as the Labor leader pointed out that it was the Conservatives who had crashed the economy and that no one in their right mind would bet on them fixing it. Sunak visibly cringed. I wish it could dematerialize. All he could do was mutter “But Jeremy Corbyn”. By the third week he had done it and it was certain that he had run out of ideas. Maybe Corbin is living rent-free in Sunak’s head. There was to be no recovery. Rish! from one mini-crisis to another. He couldn’t say why he kept a Scottish secretary who was more interested in being in the Lords than in the cabinet. He could not say he believed the Office for Budget Responsibility was right to highlight the damage caused by Brexit. Worst of all, he had no idea why he had promised a government of professionalism, integrity and accountability. This was never going to happen. Hardly anyone in the Tory backbenches bothered to dwell on Sunak’s statement to Cop27. Then why should you? After all, Rish! he had shown almost no interest in the climate summit during his three-minute speech on Monday. It is best to escape from this public hell. They may be leaderless again. No direction. No hope. Run for the hills.
