My drinking had gotten out of control and the occasional partying cocaine use in my 20s had turned into a regular and self-destructive habit. Two and a half years later I am in a much better place and have found that satisfaction can be found in sobriety. I like waking up feeling fresh and positive instead of fighting a constant hangover. I’ve made new friendships that are based on more than just messing around together. I feel sad, though, that I left some friends behind. There is a friend with whom I was particularly close. We shared some amazing adventures together. When I thought about it, these were always based on being wasted. The last time we met was Saturday morning (to try and minimize the chance of going to the pub). When I arrived she was already visibly drunk. In a cafe I ordered a mineral water and she a bottle of wine. I told her about the positive journey I’ve been on and the therapy and groups that have helped me and encouraged her to do it. She refused and then accused me of abandoning her. I feel he is right, but I don’t know what we have in common now. I don’t want to be dragged back to where I was and I feel such a pull from her. I feel incredibly guilty. Philippa’s answer It’s about the need to have boundaries. You’ve done well for yourself and it’s changed your life, but now you need to let your boyfriend know what your limits are. We usually don’t put terms and conditions on friendships. We usually instinctively understand how not to step on each other’s toes, but sometimes boundaries need to be clarified. You need to decide where you draw the line and be clear about it. Whenever we set a boundary with anyone, we need to know where our own boundary is. You might be tempted to follow her when she drinks or uses drugs. If so, that would be your limit. Protect yourself from reaching this limit by setting a limit before you reach it. So instead of hoping he won’t drink if you decide to meet up, you can say, “I won’t meet up with you if you drink.” If he thinks this is not possible, then don’t meet. If he promises he won’t and then he does, you leave. When you have a boundary, you don’t have to be hard on it, you can put it politely and explain why you need it, but you have to be determined enough to keep that boundary. A reader of this column once left a comment saying that if you have to choose between guilt or resentment, choose guilt – wise words. And that’s what I urge you to do, choose guilt. If you have a choice between guilt and resentment, choose guilt Strong bonds are formed between people who use alcohol and drugs. They may not be as strong as the relationship an addict will have with their essence, but they are still valuable bonds. When you decide to get clean, the cost is that you have to leave some people behind – and some of those friends you’ve been hanging out with may want to leave you behind when you get sober. These can be such painful losses. Remember, though, the new friends you make now will become old friends over time. I’m sure you’d love to bring your girlfriend along on your journey, to share the enlightenment and knowledge that recovery has given you, but you can’t. Nor should you allow her to coerce, tempt, or emotionally blackmail you into getting her way again. You may still love her, but irreconcilable differences may mean that your friendship cannot continue. Now you are sober, living somewhere else and have new friends and interests. You will have noticed that there is more to abstinence than just quitting. It is more of a transformation of your whole self. It’s hard to believe that someone who was so important to you is now someone you have less in common with, but it has happened. What you will always have with her, though, are your old memories. I’m sure some of those escapes were fantastic. You can tell her that you will always have these memories and treasure them, but that you can’t sabotage your recovery by having more of these adventures. I can’t guarantee he’ll take it well. he probably won’t. If this makes you feel guilty, remember that it’s better than the resentment you’d feel if you allowed her to tempt you back into harming your mental and physical health. If you have a question, send a short email to [email protected]
