He would visit her, but denies anything physical happened and insists that neither of them wanted to endanger our marriage. I’m devastated. I have seen a side of him that I have never met. He is adamant that it was just a friendship, but the texts included telling him that he loved her, something he had not told me for years. Our marriage does not involve any physical contact for a long time. I always thought he was just not a physically affectionate person, but even during the raw trauma of the last few weeks, he has not hugged me. I have told him that I find the touch soothing, but it seems impossible to me. I feel that their relationship has taken so much from ours. He agrees and apologizes. We are in our 70s with children and grandchildren. The thought of ending the marriage and stressing our family seems destructive. We agreed to try to fix things, but part of myself wonders if I’re crazy about living with someone who has been unfaithful, sexually and emotionally, for so long. I’m in shock. Am I stupid, weak, pathetic? Can couples recover from such situations? Philip’s answer You are neither stupid, nor weak, nor pathetic. Yes, some couples recover from situations like this, although I can understand that, from where you are right now, you will feel like you are climbing Mount Everest. Sometimes a betrayed partner, in situations like yours, suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder as their emotional well-being is threatened and their sense of security is compromised. We no longer need to talk about the weak. You have had a huge shock, your whole world order has been shaken. It’s like he’s been separated for 30 years – half of him has an emotional relationship with her and the other half supports the image of a loyal family man, but is still prevented from being completely with you. It would be difficult to draw a line under such a case without editing it all – and possibly with a couple therapist. Think that until that shocking revelation was your first marriage. With treatment, you and your spouse can create what you can think of as your second marriage. Ending a marriage may not be as devastating as you think As the one who was betrayed, you will have to face the trauma of the case and all the times you have questioned your instinct and sense of reality for the last 30 years. You will need a lot of time for this part of the process, while for your spouse it will be something that will not happen fast enough. But it will be important for both of you to stay with him. You could limit the conversations so that they only occur during counseling and perhaps at other set times, so that you are not overwhelmed and have structure and support for these necessary conversations. To reach your second step in this marriage, you will learn both new ways of communicating and ways of being together. You will probably need to find new ways to deal with conflicts and build trust. You both need to be proactive about transparency and sharing your emotions, including anger, desires, and thoughts, so that each one becomes important to the other, thus building closeness and warmth. You will need practice. Intimate conversation leads to being on the same page emotionally, which is the foundation for warmth and physical relationship. It will also take work for your spouse to transfer the important attachment he or she had to her. It is important to find a therapist to work with that you both trust. You may need to interview more than one person to find the right person. These sites are a starting point: gottmanreferralnetwork.com or tavistockrelationships.org. Recommended book: Healing from Infidelity by Michele Weiner-Davis. However, ending a marriage may not be as devastating as you might think. Your children have grown up and it is usually less corrosive to know the truth than to live in secret. I hope you learn to trust your instincts, although I’m afraid they may have been damaged by what happened. Whatever you decide, I hope you give priority to your own happiness when you make the decision. If you have any questions, please send a short email to [email protected]
