He went through the motions of being a loving dad and a supportive husband, without feeling the strong emotional bond with his children he always expected to feel. Looking back now, he says, “I did not understand how to connect more deeply.” His job in marketing involved many hours of work and when he was home, he believed that his priority as a father should be to facilitate and support his wife, Nina, in her role as a mother. At the same time, however, he felt that something was missing from his relationship with his children. His father had not been in his life since he was 18 months old – and whenever he saw other dads holding their children, playing games and having fun together, he would think, “I don’t think I had many of these moments.” Everything seemed so easy, so innate, to the other dads, so he assumed it must be his fault. “It’s had to be me. “It just had to be.” This feeling that he alone did not have the ability to feel a deep and meaningful relationship with his children had intensified when his daughter, Ocean, was born. Faced with the challenge of raising a toddler and a baby, he could not stop seeing himself through the prism of his father’s failure. “I based my feelings on being a dad on the experience I had – or the lack of experience – I had with my father. I almost fought it like a demon. I wanted to be better than him, to be present, active and loved in a way that he was not “. A week before that life-changing father’s birthday party, he remembers trying to take care of Blake and Ocean alone while his wife rested. “Osian started crying, so I picked her up and tried to calm her down. And that made her cry even more. It was as if he were saying, “Put your hands down on me, where is my mother?” “My baby was crying, so I picked him up and he was crying even more” He felt rejected. “And after she cried, she alerted Blake and said, ‘Yes, I want my mom too.’ Inevitably, the “pin” woke up his wife. “And I had to give her my daughter and then my son ran past me and jumped on her, saying, ‘Yes! We want mom. “ He felt completely inadequate. “I thought, ‘I can not support my wife when she sleeps either, because their desire for her is so great.’ He wondered what he was capable of doing as a father if he could not even do it. “It simply came to my notice then. He did not feel well. “ He sat with his feelings for a week and then it was his father’s day. “But I had no appetite to celebrate. “It did not seem like something I had to do.” He decided to send a WhatsApp message to the other black fathers he knew – then a group of 23 people – wishing them a Happy Father’s Day, telling them he saw them as role models. I wrote: “I just want to thank everyone here, because I look at you when I think about how I become a parent and I find it very difficult.” It was then that he discovered that other black dads felt the same way. “We all looked at each other, without knowing it.” He was more open about how he felt. “And then everyone started sharing their stories and talking about how we should celebrate each other more.” It was the beginning of a debate about the paternity of blacks that would eventually lead to a global movement. Soon, black dads from all over the world joined the WhatsApp team and shared their own experiences of fatherhood. Harrison realized that many faced the particular challenges and anxieties often associated with racism or cultural beliefs unique to black fathers – and that they needed a platform to support each other. He started a (now award-winning) podcast, Dope Black Dads, and along with other dads, started creating an online community of the same name. Today, thousands of blacks around the world use his forum to discuss the pros and cons of parenting, masculinity, and mental health. And this year Harrison was looking forward to celebrating Father’s Day. “Now, I feel that my parents are my superpower,” he says. “I enjoy it so much.” He thinks about how cracked and powerless he felt five years ago and wishes he could tell his younger self that you can not force yourself to connect with a child. “It happens of course when you dedicate work – and time.” His own discovery came when he began practicing affirmations with Blake. “I would make him laugh by saying, ‘I’m brave.’ And then he shouted it out loud. “ Spending more time alone with each of his children – talking to them about Arsenal and his other passions, going on adventures, going for walks and walks together and in children’s groups and movies – he learned what it really means to be a father. “It’s beautiful. But you have to start with that. You will make mistakes. It will not be easy. There will be days when you do not sleep. You will be thrown out. “Now all this will create character and you will learn to really love your children.” Looking back on his early days as a dad, he wished he had more skin-to-skin contact with his babies, carried them with slingshots, helped his wife more with night feedings, and talked to them more often about anything – even if it was exactly what they had for breakfast. “Your voice should be soothing to your child, it should be something that calms him – and it should be your smell, your touch. And all of that helps you – not just by connecting with you, but by connecting with them. “ I would say, “I’m brave,” and then my son would shout it out loud Knowing this, he now realizes that when his babies needed comfort, “I just never had the tools.” His own father, after all, was not there to help or guide him. “As soon as I became a father, I realized how much information I did not have. “All he had taught me was what I did not want to become.” Instead, understanding that he could receive the support and guidance he needed from his peers was empowering. He is grateful to his wife for all her patience and support, too, and his children have also taught him a lot. Being an affectionate and present dad, he realizes now, is not even that complicated. “It simply came to our notice then. “It’s just quality time with them, doing anything, watching how they observe the world and who they are of course when they are free.” It also gets easier as your kids get older. “As they became more mobile and more aware of things, I realized that I could teach them small things and they would come back to me and they would want to learn to do things.” One of the reasons he decided to pursue affirmations with his children is because he experienced “extreme racism” as a child in Hackney where he was called the word N and was chased down the street. He wants his children to have a positive inner voice and to know what to say to themselves, to their minds, if they are ever racist or ridiculed because they are different. “Telling my kids that they are beautiful, that they are strong, that they love, that they are kind, is very important, because I do not think society will ever tell them that.” Seeing how much his children benefited from saying confirmations and how confident they were, he decided to write a children’s picture book listing them. I love me! – illustrated by Blake and Ocean – published last month and Harrison hopes other black fathers will use it as a way to connect with their children. “The book will do a lot of the hard work, but the child will feel like you are talking to him.” Ever since he created Dope Black Dads, his priorities in life have changed. In the past, he usually worked 13 or 14 hours a day. “I would keep going, going, going. But I have no desire to do it anymore. I want to be with my children. I want to have experiences with them. I want to take their places. “They are the most important people in my life.” He no longer wonders what his purpose is or why we are all here. “I have this glow that I was looking for, that I was missing – and it is really strong.” I love me! by Marvyn Harrison and illustrated by Diane Ewen (Macmillan,, 7.99) is available at guardianbookshop.com for, 7.43
