When McIlven died in Hamilton, OD, in May 2021, quarantine meant that his relatives were unable to properly bury or comfort each other physically.
“When I needed to hug someone and say, ‘My God, Neil is gone,’ there was nothing – so you live in denial for a while,” said McIlvin’s sister, Ann Marie Burnside.
Burnside’s is one of many families who have had to stop mourning for the past two years as concentration limits, travel restrictions and fears of contamination have left thousands of Canadians unable to say goodbye to a dying loved one or to gather to mourn. honor their lives then.
But as Canada moves beyond the pandemic, many families – including McIlveen’s – are planning late memorials for this summer.
Neil McIlveen, left, died in May 2021 during the third wave of COVID-19 in Ontario. Darlene McIlveen’s niece, also pictured, says his family plans to make a late celebration of his life next month. (Submitted by Darlene McIlveen)
“People are in a state of mourning for two years, without having the opportunity to point out [loved one’s] death and celebrate their lives, “said Diana Robinson, funeral director at the Celebrations of Life Toronto.
About half of its summer clients do services for someone who died in 2020.
“These people have had this belated experience of grief … and you can really see the impact on families that way.”
Similarly, the Lougheed Funeral Home in Sudbury, OD, holds about five memorials each Saturday, and about half of them are for families making up for pandemic delays, says Gerry Lougheed, managing director.
Sadness in pause
Funeral directors say many bereaved families find that their grief is no less painful now than it was at the time of a death months or years ago. “We did a service recently for a young gentleman who died almost two years ago, and the service was as if death had just occurred – it was still so fresh and raw,” said Kelsi Palmer of Speers Funeral Chapel in Regina. “Although it has been a long time since this person left, it is really like the first day for those family and friends who did not have the opportunity at that time to say goodbye and get together.” During the lockdown, some families used video platforms such as Zoom to say a final goodbye to a loved one or to attend a funeral. In this photo, a mother and daughter are watching an online burial ceremony from their home in Orefield, Pension, April 29, 2020. (Matt Rourke / The Associated Press) This feeling is known to the McIlveen family. Only two relatives were able to visit him at the hospital before his death, holding a telephone in his ear so that others could say goodbye. The “unusual and very extroverted” high school teacher had asked his relatives to have a “big party” after his death, said Darlene McIlvin’s niece. But with limited concentration and travel restrictions making it difficult for another of his sisters to fly from New Zealand, these plans have been put on hold – and so has his family. “Last year, it seemed like a fantasy that we would never have a big party … There is this lack of closure, this constant mourning that is happening,” said Darlene McIlveen. They hope a part of this closure will come next month, when about 100 family and friends gather to remember her beloved uncle and begin to get rid of the grief they have endured for the past 14 months. “It simply came to our notice then [the party] “to be really tough,” Burnside said.
How the pandemic changed mourning
While many families think it’s the right time to mourn at last, others feel that a long time has passed and they no longer plan to function. “Some people said … ‘I don’t think it’s related to my mourning journey’ and also, ‘I don’t think I want to bring back those memories,’” said Lougheed, the funeral director. But skipping a ceremony could mean missing out on an opportunity to cure grief, says Dr. Harvey Max Tsotsinov, a professor of psychiatry and palliative care at the University of Manitoba in Winnipeg, who leads a team that pandemic in mourning and grief. . “Sadness does not wear a watch or a diary, it takes place in its own time course, so even if it is afterwards, having an opportunity where people can gather… to say ‘We are here to talk about this “just to say what they meant in our lives can be healing.” CLOCKS End-of-life care expert says “it’s never too late to mourn”:
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Dr. Harvey Max Chochinov, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Manitoba, says delayed funerals for people who died during the pandemic could give their loved ones a chance to move on. He says people who could not be by the bedside of a dying family member and had to say goodbye via Zoom or FaceTime felt that they did not have the opportunity to offer care and reassurance to their loved one at the end of their life. The inability to hold a timely and appropriate funeral immediately after the death of a loved one has made it more difficult for people to go through their grief, Chochinov says, but holding some form of memorial service – however late – may help then. . “It’s not just about hearing the words being said… but also the touch, the hugs, the look in another person’s eyes and knowing that right now, you and I are sharing this collective moment of mourning together.” he said. he said. “It simply came to our notice then [while] We did not talk about the fate of our loved one, we can make sure that this person will be remembered and recognized in a way that would match who was in our lives. Mark Irwin’s family – which stretches between Ontario, Alberta and Scotland – has been waiting two years to say goodbye to his father, John, who died in Edmonton in August 2020. They planned to transport his father’s remains back to Rothesay, Scotland, last year, before rising COVID-19 cases forced them to postpone the trip twice. “We were like, ‘in a few more months, just a few more months.’ Now Irvine and his family have just two more weeks to wait until they fly to Scotland to finally let their father rest and celebrate a life with their extended family. “For my mother, it was non-negotiable: it’s crucial that Dad επιστρέ return and we will close it the way it should be done, and that with my father on Rothesay.” John Irvine, left, pictured here with his family, died in Edmonton in August 2020. His wife and children will travel from Canada to Scotland to celebrate life next month. (Offered by Mark Irvine) Irvine says the family was lucky to be able to arrange their trip around school holidays, work leave and another family event on Rothesay – an example of the pandemic’s new level of flexibility in organizing memorials, including how soon must take place after death. “[Before COVID]when someone died, it was like, “Okay, we have to do something in the next few days, and I have to leave work and I have to get my grandchildren out of school,” whatever it is, “Luhid said. “Because of the delays with COVID, people are now saying, ‘What’s the right date to mourn?’
Designing late memorials
Lougheed suggests that instead of picking a date at random, people choose an important date for their memorial – for example, the wedding anniversary of the deceased. “This is a date that will have memories anyway. Why not use it until the day to gather the family and say, ‘Let’s take the wedding photos, let’s celebrate this good day.’ And you know what? We may shed a few tears. We will also laugh a lot and say, “Boy, look at how my hairstyle was 30 years ago.” Another challenge families face is how to spread the word to the wider community of their loved one, including friends and colleagues. Robinson suggests using a digital invitation and RSVP service, such as Greenvelope, that can be shared via email, social media, and text messaging and posted on community and organization websites. When deciding on the form of a service, Chochinov says people should follow their intuition and “celebrate who this person was in ways that feel authentic.” “After a year or two, the emotions we have and the way they are expressed can be quite different from the days and weeks after death, so if it looks more like a celebration and less like a funeral, that’s fine. “
